34 weeks, 6 days

I think I have been overpowered by my emotions. It is weird because I never used to be able to realise the cause of my irrational feelings whenever they would come over me for that day or two once a month a long time ago...But now I know exactly what is causing these feelings within me, and I hate it! I can't stand these hormones. I worry about things that I know better than to worry about now. I feel like I am being robbed of the joy and the happiness that I should be feeling right now in anticipation for the baby's arrival, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I find myself worrying about money all the time now. Of course, there is a good reason to some extent. I may have to take a pay cut if I work at home, though I really don't have much of an option, because if I didn't work from home, all of my money would go to childcare, and I don't want to put my baby in daycare anyway, so if I weren't going to bring home a paycheck, I might as well stay home with my baby. On top of all that, we NEED my paycheck. And even with the pay cut it might be tough to manage...Our mortgage has become a real burden to me. I guess when we were in the house buying process, we never stopped to think what it would really be like when we had a baby. We knew would be able to afford the extra bills part of having a baby, but I think the main thing I never thought about before was that having a baby would keep me from being able to work like I used to!! I don't know why that thought never occurred to me...

Now I have gotten to the point where I can honestly say I am scared. I have gone from not being able to wait to have the baby, hoping even that she would come a week early, to feeling like it would be okay with me if she was a week overdue. I think another really scary thing is just not knowing when she will come. I don't have a clue how much time I have left to get ready for her. I hate feeling this way...I loved the first two trimesters when all my ailments were just physical. Those are much more manageable I think than emotional ones...

Please pray for me: for my emotional state as well as our financial future. And if you know of any ways to make extra money from home, please let me know! I know God will provide as He always has, and I shouldn't be worried...I just feel very scared right now because I can't see how things will work out. I still can't wait to hold my baby, but I can wait to have to deal with the struggles that will come with such a drastic life change.

I am glad that my baby shower is tomorrow...I think that will really help to cheer me up! My mom cheered me up a tonight when she came by with the valance that she made for my kitchen windows and helped me hang them. She also bought me some more maternity clothes, and they fit and I like them a lot!! She is too good to me...It will make me feel better to be able to wear a brand new outfit tomorrow. I have been feeling very big lately, and I have been growing out of my maternity clothes!

There is so much more that I have to talk about, but I just really needed to vent tonight. Maybe tomorrow I will have a happy post about how fun my shower was!