I wish I had the time and motivation to write at least once a week. I often have so much to say, and then when I sit down to finally write it, I have either forgotten all those thoughts or the intensity of them has seriously diminished, and the result is one long post with many different topics and not a whole lot of detail - which I present to you now.
I have just six weeks left, that is, 41 days and counting until the arrival of my precious Emily.
I find myself imagining how awful I will feel if our baby is a boy! Awful because of all the pretty pink things that people have given us (of course I did select a neutral nursery theme), and because I always refer to this child as "she," or Emily. But if this child is in fact a boy, I will quickly set aside or return the pink frilly things, and apologize to my little Joshua for something he will never know or care about. This is one of those 'worries' that I am not too worried about at all. Most likely it is a little girl like they told me, and I won't waste any excitement calling it an "it" for fear of the unknown. Of course, I can't help but consider the possibilities...
I
am
huge
.
I am so big my back hurts. I am so big that it doesn't matter which way I sit or lay down, I am never comfortable. I am so big that I cannot hardly pick my shoes up off the ground, much less tie them. Thank God for Velcro! :-) I am so big that I can no longer sit in a booth at a restaurant. I am so big that I can no longer scoot into a pew a church. I am so big that checkout clerks at Food Lion feel the urge to lean over the register to touch my belly and tell me that I am going to have a huge baby, and that it will definitely be here before February.
I
feel
beautiful
.
There is something about pregnancy that makes me feel so much more alive. And I have noticed that people seem to look at me like I am so much more alive. When Ryan looks at me, it really does seem like he is looking at both of us. I feel like I have the privilege of being the recipient of all of Emily's adoration. They are touching my belly and feeling her kick. They hold a monitor against my skin to hear her heartbeat. I can't wait to see Ryan hold her for the first time. I can't wait for him to be able to feel just a tiny bit of the wonderfulness that I feel. I can't wait for our first family picture!
It
has
begun
.
The insanity! The other day I cried because I ruined a pizza. It was late at night and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I was starving. We were a little low on cash but we decided to get a frozen pizza for dinner when were were picking up some essentials at the grocery store. We got home, went to make the pizza and I added some extra cheese that we already had in the fridge. When it was done, we sat down and were about to eat when we noticed something smelled horrible. Ryan looked at the package the cheese came in and saw that it was expired. I had to throw the whole thing away, and I cried. I was hungry, and I wasted a whole pizza by not checking the expiration date on some cheese. At least Ryan didn't make fun of me...well, that night at least!
I stumbled across another woman's baby blog today. I found it while doing a Google search on something, and was reading a 3 year old post. It was cute and sweet and I wanted to read more, and find out how the baby was now. I looked at the most recent entry on that blog, and it was a farewell post. She lost her baby just hours after her birth. It was the saddest thing, and I cried right here at my desk at work. She left up her blog in memory of her daughter, and they have video of her first few moments of life. She has since started a new blog, and just had a little baby boy this December.
I used to worry a lot. About everything. Now, I truly find myself not worrying about much at all. (Only by the grace of God!) I have been through a lot. Bad things and good things, but I have learned that nothing prepares you for devastation. You can weigh out all the what-if's in life and consider what you would do should any situation arise, but when bad things happen, it sucks no matter what. If this woman had not poured her heart out in that blog, if she had held it in for fear of losing her precious child, she would not have this beautiful memorial of her daughter. And what if she decided to hold back the second time around? What if she had refused to pour out her heart for this next child? She would not have all these memories and would have nothing to cherish in celebration of the little boy she has now.
I don't want to give up all the good things in life, for fear of losing them. I want to cherish every precious moment of this life, whether I get to keep it or not. I can't wait to meet my Emily.
I bought this journal at the beginning of my pregnancy, called the Belly Book. It was essential to my sanity at the beginning, where all these things were happening, and it seemed I had nothing to show for them. No belly, no kicks, no baby gifts or nursery furniture yet. I filled it out all the time and looked forward to the next week so I could have more to write about. Well, I just found it last night, and the funny thing about it is, I have everything filled out up through the first trimester, and that is it! Right about the time I started showing and was able to feel kicks, that book was old news! I looked at it and was going to attempt to update it, but had no motivation. I think I kind of replaced it with this blog in many ways as well, which I am not at all disappointed about. I will probably make a pregnancy scrapbook anyway, with clips from these posts and pictures galore.
